So today I took a step in owning what’s going on with me. I have been struggling with emotions and attitudes and moods for a whole week.
There have been many days in the last week where I dissolved to tears for no real good reason. Today it was in the locker room.
Today was NOT a good gym day. It took every ounce of will power not to stay home in bed this morning. I got there, and just the drive to the gym I fought myself. I put my headphones in and jumped on the treadmill. Here starts the horror show. Five minutes in and I was trying my hardest NOT to hold onto the sides of the treadmill.
Not even my Zumba music loud in my ears could drown out how awful this workout was. By the time I got to thirty minutes I was almost in tears. So, I made the decision to switch to the elliptical for a while. I thought maybe it would help workout the pain in my back/hip.
I got ten minutes in and I almost cursed out loud. As I stopped, I could feel them. I could hear them too.
The ones I haven’t heard In a long time. The fat girl thoughts.
It was like I could feel every single person in the gym passing judgement on me. Oh look, I heard in my head, that fat girl can’t even finish an hour in the gym.
By the time I got in the locker room, I was a mess.
Then I forgot my shower shoes. It was almost too much. I was ready to go home, change back into my pj’s and go right back to bed.
But I didn’t. I struggled. I talked with co workers. I smiled at strangers.
I’m in a headspace right now that I don’t like. I don’t like it because I’m NEVER this negative for this long.
Any idea how?