Confession: despite all the love I’ve felt since Saturday I am still struggling with what happened.
I had been looking forward to ticking my bucket list off for the Tartan Twosome at Maritime Race Weekend ever since I had to miss last years.
The best laid plans of mice and men…
Then when it came time to train life hot in my way. I would never once have done anything this summer differently, and yet it was the key to what happened this weekend.
This was how it all began:
I felt good. I went into the Sunset 5k with a goal of finishing. I didn’t care if I was dead last. It was in the simple goal of finishing where the win lay.
My sciatic began to bother me around the start of the second kilometre and didn’t let up. Around the turn around point it made my left thigh and foot go numb with pins and needles.
I was actually feeling like it was a great walk for me. I got home, showered and rested. The next day was to be the test.
I had some amazing people in my corner during all of this. Marg and Kim and Adam and Tara and Nancy and Sandra. I could be here all day with it.
There was only love and acceptance and no judgement. It was safe and secure.
Then there was Dawn. There aren’t words for how I feel about her. She is the biggest baddest bad ass I know. She’s a wealth of knowledge and most of all (aside from my family)! She’s always been my cheerleader.
She was walking with Kim and I through the whole 10k.
Confession: I wanted to stop. I was ready right there to not go on. Didn’t care about the medals or finishing. I was done.
But I looked at Dawn and Kim walking with me and my mind was ready to put my big girl pants on and do the ten…and I said to them both
‘I can’t do the 10’ and I was immediately crushed.
Feelings of embarrassment, frustration, anger, disappointment flooded through me. I know I shouldn’t be prideful and I had boasted on Facebook that I was doing. 10k.
What would they all think? Would they think it was because I’m big and couldn’t handle it? Would everyone be judging me for not doing ten?
Then Dawn and Kim decided, and votes and I lost: we were doing 5k. There was no good in trying to push on in pain for 10k because of pride when I could finish 5k strong and not hurt myself. I knew it was the right decision. I had to listen to my body.
These ladies. It was in a hug from Melissa where I let some of it go. I cried in relief of being done. I cried in humiliation of not being able to do what I planned. I cried in happiness of finishing with my awesome friend Kim
Confession: no one saw my breaking moment. It came when I read this:
But I didn’t do what he said. I didn’t finish what I planned. I didn’t feel worthy of all the love and praise.
I sat in my car and cried.
Now I know when all my family and hubby and friends read this they’ll all be sending me notes saying how not true this is and how I shouldn’t feel this way.
I’m working on it. I am working through being ok with what happened. I listened to my body. I worked within my limits.
I struggle with the fact that my body failed when my will was so strong.
I’m writing this post, and I’m going to let it go. Truly I think I can be ok with it now.
Confidence from within. GLP Fitness had it right, and it’s a lesson I’m still learning everyday.